On the Pursuit of Happiness

"Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness", is what my country was founded on. Its not part of the constitution, or any other doctrine in the US. But it is part of our identity or at least for some people. Unfortunately I am part of that group that it seems, doesn't get to have a pursuit of happiness. I am part of a group that despite not inflicting harm on anyone, not taking anyone else's life, liberty, or happiness away, seems to always be at the center of a debate that we do not wish to be a part of. Now which group do you think I am talking about.

Well, I am a trans gender. And I tried living as a boy/man for about 31 years. Went to a traditional sleep away summer camp that had fairly conservative views of boys and girls. I tried being in heterosexual relationships. I drank whiskey. I liked sports cars. I grew up going to football games. I went into computer science and got a career as an AI researcher at MIT. I grew up traveling, and not having to worry about money. I am 6'1" and athletic. I look good in a suit. And yet, I was never truly happy.

And then one day, some youtube video on gender came across my feed, I think it was Social Constructs from Philosophy Tube (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=koud7hgGyQ8). And then a few more videos related to gender, identity, and being trans. And something in my brain clicked, and all of my repressed childhood and adulthood memories flooded by mind. In that moment it was painfully obvious why I wasn't happy. I wasn't being who I am. I was trying, and often failing, to live someone else's vision of life. I built a version of my life based on what those around me wanted me to me. A vision that didn't work with how I think, with what I want to do, and more importantly with how I viewed myself. I was trying to fit in with a society and culture I was never going to fit in with.

The next few days involved me reading and watching everything I could find related to gender, identity, and transitioning. For some people it does take a psychologist or therapist to help them figure out they are trans or non binary, but for me it was painfully obvious. The number of times in my life where I changed how I acted to seem more masculine as it was expected of me, is quite high. I lived my life dictated by how society thought I should live.

During this time I started to change my perspective on what it meant to live a good life. What gender and society meant together. What identify is. And things started to make sense.

Not long after I accepted I was trans, I started hormone replacement therapy. And within the first month, I realized I never knew what happiness was as that is the first time I ever experienced it. At the age of 32, having traveled to many countries, had many wonderful experiences, I realized I had never actually been happy. I had movements of happiness, but they were always fleeting. Never sticking around. No real emotion. No lasting joy. As soon as the vacation was over, the happiness would go away. I would win the mile swim, get the reward, and within a few days the happiness would go away. But now, I could feel happy for no real reason. Just for existing. Just for living life. Just for being myself.

I am happy with myself. And for myself. I am happy.

Over 500 words later, I am finally getting to the point. America was founded on a simple principle of self determination (we can ague the specifics but that is not the point today). That people should be able to live their lives, choose their leaders, and not have to bow to down to the tyranny of king or majority. Especially if living those lives doesn't infringe on someone else's life, liberty and pursuit of happiness. And yet, our politicians, leaders, fellow citizens, vilify people like me, because we are different? A Threat to something? Against God? I really don't know, and frankly do not care. I mean that is the kindest way. I really don't care what your views are. I really don't care if you hate me as a person because I take estrogen to alter my biochemistry. I also don't care what you do on the weekend, if it doesn't affect me. I don't care if you watch football because it makes you happy, or you play video games, or go on hikes. I really don't care. Yet so many people seem care that I take a estrogen once a week, that I wear barely different clothes, that I use a different bathroom than I used for 31 years, that I now speak with a more feminine voice.

I still travel, I have the same job, I have the same basic political beliefs, I read the same books, buy the same food. No one in my actual life looks at me any differently, except they notice how much happier I am. They now use different pronouns to refer to me. And that's it. Yet it seems that there are many American's at the macro level, that want to take away my rights, other trans people's rights, future trans kid's rights. And for what reason. Nothing about me is fundamentally different, I am just who I am, who I have always been, but now I am happy.

So, if you somehow are reading this, and hated trans people. I really want you to think about what I wrote about being happy. And consider if your child, your sibling, your friend, came out as trans. They are still the same basic person, deserving of the same rights, but now they are likely happier. Unless you and the people around them take that happiness away by vilifying them. Or taking away their medical care. Does that really make you happy, your friend being unhappy. Nothing I do, day to day affects your life. You likely wouldn't even known I am trans if you saw me walking through Target.

What is the point of what I wrote. Frankly, there isn't one. I don't have some grand idea, or some plan to solve transphobia. But I felt it important, to simplify the issue. Access to gender affirming care, for both trans and cis people, is about being happy. Its not about some political view of what is moral, right, or wrong. Its about being happy. And too many people, forget that life is about life. Its about living life, in the best way possible, enjoying time with our friends and family. Doing things you love to do. Its about the pursuit of happiness. And that's all I want as a trans person, I want the ability to pursue my own happiness.